


regretting, forgiving

by bror



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cheating, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Partying, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Unhealthy Relationships, mingyu is a big fucking asshole, rich jeonghan, rich mingyu, rich seungcheol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 13:04:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13788333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bror/pseuds/bror
Summary: jeon wonwoo had three regrets in life.the first regret was taking that first line of speed.the second regret was choosing love over his friends.and the third regret was ever meeting kim mingyu.





	regretting, forgiving

**Author's Note:**

> i started dis like 4 months ago nd then finished it all in 2 nites LFMAO
> 
> theres gonna be an alternative ending uploaded too later on!!!

jeon wonwoo had three regrets in life.

 

the first regret was taking that first line of speed.

the second regret was choosing love over his friends.

and the third regret was ever meeting kim mingyu.

-

 

jeon wonwoo. 

21 year old english literature junior at seoul national university, after he somehow managed to ace his exams in 12th grade and get in on a scholarship. he didn’t have a trusty school fund like the vast majority of his peers, not with his family generally ranging from poor to very poor. it wasn’t like his family had any wrong with it, but after he left them to go on to study in university they hadn’t spoken even once. no questions about how his first week went, if his accomodation was okay, if he’d made any friends or how his grades were looking.

 

his parents weren’t bad people, not at all. they were your average joes, working normal nine to five jobs at the same large corporation before coming home to their kids, his mother cooking dinner and his father often sitting in his study to work just a little bit more. wonwoo just didn’t have any connection to them, sharing no interest and rarely even having spoken to them throughout his childhood years.

 

this was his third year in seoul, and not once had he visited changwon since he first left. he didn’t miss it, and although he’d missed his brother the first two years before he, too, moved up to seoul for university it hadn’t been something they’d discussed.

 

he’d made himself a good life in seoul, after all. he’d been the nerd throughout his childhood years, and even though he still was it was a whole other thing nowadays. in seoul national it was the norm, but back in elementary it wasn’t very well-appreciated by the other kids that he’d rather spend his breaks with doing homework than hang out with them. the few who got the idea to talk to him were shut down as he barely let his eyes leave his desk, and before he and his classmates went on to start middle school it had been a long time since he said more than “ _ i’ll finish the group project on my own, unless you’d insist to do all the homework” _ to any of his fellow students.

 

the bullying started in fifth grade. it was never more than some of the kids pushing him around or throwing his papers around, but as with most kids it affected his soul more than his body. he became more reclusive, refused to go to the school’s public events such as football matches, discos or even prom. he didn’t have any friends, but he was happy anyways; he did well enough with just his books, his brother and his schoolwork. 

 

upon starting university he’d assumed it’d be the same, but he’d been proven wrong on the second day when soonyoung had approached him to ask if he could sit next to him in class, and wonwoo didn’t have the heart to say no nor did he stop the boy from chatting him up both during class and afterwards. it had been the start of a blooming friendship between the two and later on with soonyoung’s other friends, to which wonwoo never really got too close with but still acknowledged and spoke to in his free time, which was more than he’d ever expected himself to do. there was jihoon, a music production major with a horrible chain smoking habit, and there was seokmin, the bright philosophy major who always drank way too much at parties and often had to be dragged home before the end of the night so that he wouldn’t end up passing out in the bathroom after throwing his hearts contents up. he didn’t attend parties with the others very often, but when he did he enjoyed them, strangely enough. he hadn’t viewed himself as a party person, but hey, university had proved him wrong over and over again.

 

because wonwoo really did enjoy parties, maybe even more than he should have. he wasn’t one to really take a big part in them, didn’t dance or talk to many, but he took a liking to just standing in the corner with whatever drink in hand as he watched the people around him break lose. he found himself enjoying to just be a bystander at parties, watching over everyone else while slowly but surely getting himself drunk as the night passed by, often standing by the dancefloor and betting on which people would end up hooking up before the night ended.

 

and that’s exactly the position he found himself in again on this friday night. it was the start of the term and there were probably another couple of parties going on at the same time around campus, but even then the frat house was filled with people from various courses and years. soonyoung was around somewhere but wonwoo hadn’t seen him for quite a while, but as the man had been the one to invite him there he was bound to be around, probably on the dancefloor if he knew him right. wonwoo himself had retreated back to the kitchen after the living room had gotten a bit too cramped for his liking, and he was standing alone in the corner of the room while sipping on a cheap beer he’d nicked from the fridge.

 

even the kitchen was getting quite full by now, the clock being just after 12 a.m., and he was considering going outside for awhile just to get a breath of fresh air. raising the can and taking the last few sips left in the can, he put it down onto the kitchen table on his way to the fridge, taking out another beer before making a beeline out of the room, through the hallway and up the stairs to the second floor, walking with quick steps towards the balcony on the other side of the floor. the balcony door was already unlocked when he got there and he swung it open before stepping out, nearly tripping over his own feet before steadying himself and standing straight. there was only one other person out on the balcony, sitting crouched on the ground as he was leaning towards the railing while smoking something that looked like a hand rolled cigarette. the other male looked up as wonwoo emerged through the door, nodding at him slightly before taking another toke of the cigarette.

 

wonwoo closed the door behind him before turning his back against the railing, leaning towards it as he took a couple of deep breaths. the warm was still quite warm even though it was september, and even though he wasn’t wearing more than just a thin long-sleeved t-shirt and ripped skinny jeans he wasn’t cold at all.

 

he let his eyes wander, looking over the campus area that was clearly visible just straight over from the balcony, the blocky buildings lit up here and there but generally shrouded in darkness this late at night. the art building was the only one he could spot that was clearly lit up, probably caused by the art students with questionable sleeping habits and tendencies to work until the brink of dawn; jihoon knew a fair share of them and he was always complaining about his current fuckbuddy calling him either late at night or early in the mornings to get laid before he’d be going to bed. 

 

apart from campus there wasn’t much to look at, the city with it’s skyscrapers and busy streets edging on the other side of the house, so wonwoo let his eyes fall onto the smoking stranger on the opposite side of the balcony. his first impression was that he was good looking, albeit he couldn’t see his face clearly as his face was turned downwards. his raven black hair was parted in the middle of his forehead, nearly but not quite covering neat eyebrows and almond shaped eyes rimmed with the slightest bit of kohl. he was dressed modestly in a black, short sleeved polo shirt donning ralph lauren’s logo over the chest pocket and black skinny jeans, combined with a pair of nike sneakers. he was holding the cigarette between his index and middle finger on his right hand while his left rested on his lap, fingers long and bony but nails short in a way that made him wonder if the stranger was one to bite his nails. he was wearing a ring on his index finger, a simple silver band, and another one that looked the exact same on his ring finger.

 

“do you want something?”

 

shit. while wonwoo had been caught up with looking at the strangers fingers he seemed to have noticed his gaze, and wonwoo tore his eyes away from his hands to meet the strangers dark orbs that were looking questionably at wonwoo.

 

“oh, no no, i’m sorry,” wonwoo stuttered out, a slight blush blossoming on his cheeks that he hoped wouldn’t be visible in the darkness that shrouded them. “i just need to ask; do you bite your nails?”

 

it wasn’t what he’d meant to say, not in the slightest, and wonwoo cringed at the words as soon as he realised he’d spoken them out loud. he’d meant to apologise again, tell the stranger that he’d just been zooming out, but words had never been his forte and this was clearly proof of that.

 

the stranger let out a loud chuckle at his words, throwing his head back to show a well defined jawline and a neck showcasing multiple red hickeys on the sides.

 

“i do actually! you’re the first one to ask me about it so upfront though,” the stranger said, still chuckling slightly. “do you?”

 

“bite my nails? nah, i don’t. it seems kinda unsanitary.”

 

“true, it kinda is. but hey, everyone has their bad habits, i’m sure you got some too.”

 

wonwoo nodded after the stranger had finished speaking, reaching back with his hand to his back pocket of his jeans and pulling up a pack of cigarettes to show, once again making the stranger laugh before he tossed the unlit cigarette of his over the railing, his head turning ever so slightly to the side before turning back to wonwoo.

 

“see? we all got something. and speaking of bad habits, could i bum a smoke off you?”

 

“but you just smoked?”

 

the stranger shook his head, a grin forming on his lips as he met wonwoo’s confused eyes.

 

“yeah, but taking another one won’t hurt. plus then i got an excuse to talk more with you.”

 

wonwoo smiled back down at the stranger, making a split second decision before opening up his cigarette pack, plucking two cigarettes out and handing one of them to the stranger. wonwoo wasn’t big on socialising but he’d drank quite a lot and the man seemed nice enough, so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to have some company while he smoked.

 

the stranger was still donning a grin as he thanked wonwoo for the cigarette, putting it between his lips as he reached into his chest pocket to take out a lighter before grabbing onto the railing and pulling himself up so that he was standing just like wonwoo. he noticed he was taller than him, not by too much but still a noticeable amount, and he found himself positively surprised.  _ he seems like a good hugger _ and  _ imagine how many chicks must be crazy about him  _ went through his mind before he could stop it, and he shook his head ever so slightly to get rid of the intrusive thoughts.

 

the stranger lit up both of their cigarettes in silence and they took their first tokes in unison, breathing out the smoke into the midnight air.

 

“what’s your name, by the way?” 

 

“jeon wonwoo.”

 

“nice! i’m kim mingyu, pleasure to meet you!”

 

kim mingyu. he was tempted to let the name roll off his tongue but stopped himself at the last second, deeming that it’d probably be weird to do so no matter how much he liked the name. wonwoo did have some sort of social skills after all, even if they weren’t very refined.

 

“you too.”

 

-

 

kim mingyu turned out to be a law sophomore, a year younger than wonwoo and in a completely different department which explained why he’d never seen him before. he lived in an apartment just outside campus, courtesy of his “filthy rich parents” (his words, not wonwoo’s), and he had a dog named kang that lived with his parents in anyang. wonwoo got to know a lot about mingyu in the span of just a couple of minutes, and mingyu got to know just as much about wonwoo back.

 

a couple of minutes turned into half an hour and three more cigarettes for the both of them as they stayed out and talked on the balcony. wonwoo found it so easy to talk to mingyu, in a way he rarely felt, and he was so thankful that he was for once speaking to a stranger without stuttering and shying away that he threw himself into their conversation with ease. they didn’t break their talking until someone opened the balcony door and stepped out with wobbly steps before promptly throwing up over the railing, leaving mingyu and wonwoo to exchange surprised looks that made both of them break out into silenced laughter before they made their ways around the man, still throwing up all the alcohol onto the backyard of the frat house, walking back inside with mutual smiles.

 

they exchanged snapchats before breaking apart in the downstairs hallway, mingyu walking out of the front door to go back home for an early night and wonwoo walking to the kitchen to get himself another beer.

 

it didn’t even take five minutes before mingyu sent him a snapchat, and wonwoo found himself grinning down on his phone as he replied back with a picture of one of the frat boys from the building passed out on the kitchen table.

 

-

 

wonwoo was happy with his life, he really was. he studied literature like he’d always wanted, he were one of the top students in his class, and he had a group of absolutely lovely friends. it wasn’t just wonwoo against the world anymore, like it had been in school, but rather wonwoo and company against the universe. he knew soonyoung would have his back no matter what, just like he’d always be there for soonyoung, and even then he still had jihoon and seokmin that were sure to stand up for him if it was ever needed, no matter if they didn’t know each other all too well.

 

but there were always the times where he longed for something more, something beyond just his regular routines and normal daily life revolving around university, studying, and his small friend circle. he longed for something special, something he could treasure and keep close to his heart at all times, something out of the ordinary that could blow him away. he didn’t have a single clue about what it was he wanted, if it was a first love or new friendship or an adventure or a brand-new hobby, but the thought of always wanting something more was etched into his life like a piece of paper super-glued to his brain.

 

and maybe, if he was lucky, he’d find that  _ something  _ soon, before it drove him insane.

 

maybe, he allowed himself to think, maybe mingyu could give him that in the end. 

 

-

 

there was still a long time left until wonwoo would realise it, but if he would have known just how much mingyu would give him, chances were he would have never replied back to mingyu’s snapchats, if even talked back to the boy on the balcony that fateful night. he wouldn’t had wanted anything to do with the younger boy if he’d known it would fuck up his entire life so royally, that it would break apart his current routines to the point where he lost track of himself or that it would bring wonwoo to the point of no return over and over again, seemingly without a stop.

 

but wonwoo had no idea, there was no way for him to have a clue, that he would do best to stay away from kim mingyu. he had already gotten trapped in the stars that took up mingyu’s eyes, caught in the sweet words spoken through strawberry lips, lost in the embrace of a mind that reminded him of his own.

 

oh, if only he’d known. then maybe, just maybe, he could have saved himself.

 

-

 

wonwoo and mingyu kept in touch; it was impossible not to, not when mingyu kept spamming wonwoo with snapchats all day long. wonwoo found himself smiling down at his phone more often than not whenever he got a notification from the younger, and although wonwoo was notorious for being bad at replying to his friends and had often been called out by soonyoung and seokmin about it, he replied back to mingyu nearly every time the younger sent him anything.

 

it didn’t even take a week for soonyoung to notice wonwoo was talking to someone, and he wasn’t surprised he did - he and soonyoung studied together on a near-daily basis, and wonwoo spent an increasing amount of time on his phone during those meet-ups. he hadn’t hesitated to tell his friend about mingyu, and after soonyoung got over his initial surprise (wonwoo was talking to someone! a new friend! unheard of!) he’d been brimming with happiness for wonwoo’s sake, all before interrogating him about “ _ this new mingyu _ ”. soon word spread around their friends, because fuck was soonyoung bad at keeping secrets, and even jihoon sent him a message to congratulate him for making a new friend.

 

-

 

nine days after he’d first met mingyu, the younger asked him out on an official date. wonwoo said yes in a heartbeat. soonyoung cried out of happiness when he told him, and wonwoo was close to doing the same.

 

-

 

their first date wasn’t anything special, nothing but a cliché dinner-and-cinema date, but wonwoo thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest when he waited for mingyu outside of the restaurant they’d decided to go to. he’d been ten minutes early and he spent the first five of those in a panicked state, nitpicking over his clothes and brushing his hair out of his face every couple of seconds while his mind went amok. mingyu arrived five minutes early, and wonwoo’s heart nearly stopped right then and there when he saw that the younger had coloured his hair a bright blonde. it suited him perfectly.

 

the date went great. he and mingyu had been speaking with each other constantly the last week but even then it seemed like there was no end to the conversation, and as soon as wonwoo got over his nerves he found himself speaking almost more than mingyu did, which was a rarity. wonwoo had never been very talkative, but there was just something about mingyu that made his thoughts race and his heart speak out loud. they barely made their way out from the restaurant in time for the movie they were going to see, and sadly had to forego buying popcorn or any drinks as they ran into the cinema hall.

 

mingyu paid for both dinner and the cinema, saying it was his parents money anyways, no matter how much wonwoo tried to make him split their bill in half and let wonwoo pay his share. he secretly loved it, because it made him feel more special and worthy than he had in years.

 

-

 

it didn’t take more than a couple of weeks before wonwoo and mingyu were officially a couple. wonwoo spent more time at mingyu’s apartment than he did in his own at this stage, often waking up next to mingyu in the mornings rather than the loneliness of his own flat. 

 

mingyu lived in a spacious four room apartment on the top floor of one of the skyscrapers just outside campus, his living room and bedroom having floor to ceiling windows that looked out over seoul’s busy streets and the buildings nearby. the two other rooms consisted of a guest room and a room mingyu called his “ _ existential crisis _ ” room, and wonwoo had never seen him turn the light on in the second room. sometimes one or two of mingyu’s friends stayed over in the guest room after they’d stayed up late during weekend nights, and at one occasion even soonyoung got the chance to stay over in the room; wonwoo had long since introduced his small friend group to mingyu, and they’d all (to no surprise) taken liking in him. 

 

long story short, mingyu hadn’t been kidding when he’d said his parents were filthy rich. he still insisted to pay whenever he and wonwoo went out on dates, and at this point wonwoo just let him do it after finding out just how much disposable income mingyu had.

 

his and mingyu’s relationship progressed well. wonwoo had never been in a relationship before, a virgin both in body and mind, and mingyu had showed him a whole new world, filled with late night cuddles, early morning kisses and midday snapchats of the skies whenever it reminded the younger of wonwoo. mingyu was clingy and whenever his classes started earlier than wonwoo’s he’d leave breakfast and cute sticky notes to wonwoo on the kitchen counter, and he loved every bit of it.

 

-

 

they’d been dating for two months the first time mingyu told wonwoo he loved him. wonwoo had cried in his arms before saying it back.

 

-

 

mingyu decided to throw a party the friday after finals ended and before everyone went home for winter break. he’d invited some fifty people but nearly a hundred showed up in the end, and his apartment was completely filled to the brim with people before the clock struck twelve. wonwoo did as he usually did and watched the people rather than struck up any conversation, but he found it impossible to be as invisible as a bystander as he’d been before now that people knew him as mingyu’s boyfriend and his partners friends kept coming up to him as to befriend him. even then he managed quite well, and it didn’t take too long before people realised he didn’t really want to talk and left him alone.

 

he drank quite a lot and so did mingyu, the younger often coming over to wonwoo whenever he spotted him to shower him in kisses or to hold his hand for a couple of minutes before running away to talk to someone else. they both knew how wonwoo were and he was thankful mingyu didn’t glue himself to his side, but instead made sure to have fun in his own way while letting wonwoo do his thing.

 

it was nearly 2 a.m. when the apartment was finally starting to feel less cramped as people started to go home, and by half three the atmosphere had changed into something much more chill, with the music having been lowered and no one longer up and dancing in the living room. wonwoo had escaped out onto the balcony for a while to get away from the mass of people, chain smoking and gazing out over the city, and he was more than pleased to return to something more relaxed.

 

his eyes looked over the living room in search of mingyu as it’d been a while since he last had seen him and he was desperately craving a kiss or two, and when he didn’t find him anywhere in the room he walked with unsteady steps into the kitchen; he’d drank quite a bit by now, a pleasurable buzz in his head as he leaned into the alcohol’s embrace. mingyu wasn’t in the kitchen either, and after a quick check into the bedroom he realised the younger wasn’t there either. wonwoo nearly stumbled over his own feet upon closing the bedroom door, saving himself at the last minute by holding onto the wall, and he took a couple of seconds to laugh at himself. he’d definitely had enough to drink tonight, but knowing himself it probably wouldn’t stop him from taking another round of shots in an hour.

 

opening the door into the guest room and turning on the light only to find three people passed out on the bed, one of them being soonyoung which he noticed with a grin, he quickly turned the light off again and closed the door behind him.

 

the only room that remained now was mingyu’s so called  _ existential crisis  _ room, and wonwoo found worry nagging in his chest as he realised that there was a possibility of mingyu going through a crisis without anyone keeping him company. his worries proved to be in vain though, because upon opening the door into the last room on the right in the corridor he found mingyu sitting in the middle of one out of two black sofas. wonwoo had never seen the room in light before, and he gave himself a few seconds to look around in it as he stood by the door. the two sofas, one standing against the wall on the opposite side of the room and the other to the right wall, were separated by a black wooden table in the middle of the room, and a tv sat mounted on the wall to the left. there were no windows in the room nor any decorations on the walls apart from a single painting of a black rose that looked as if it had been painted by a child. in the sofas only three people sat; mingyu alone in one of them and then two people wonwoo recognised as mingyu’s friends on the other one.

 

on the table were a lone plate, lying next to a credit card and a slightly rolled up 50 000 won bill. it took him another glance on the plate to see the three lines of white powder that sat in the middle of it, and he directly took a double take, nearly falling out of the room before once again saving himself by grabbing onto the door. 

 

wonwoo may not be experienced in the subject, but he recognised drugs when he saw them. they were doing  _ drugs  _ in the  _ existential crisis  _ room.

 

he didn’t get any more time to think about it before mingyu noticed him, and while he kept his eyes fixed on the plate he could see mingyu grin out of the corner of his eyes. tearing his eyes from the lines to mingyu, he noticed the youngers eyes seemed to shine with a faint tint of red.

 

“hey, babe! come in, come in, and close the door please.”

 

wonwoo did as told, closing the door behind him before walking up to the sofa and plopping down next to mingyu.

 

“mingyu, what’s that?” he nodded against the plate, and mingyu’s grin grew even larger.

 

“it’s speed! it makes you all speedy!” his tone was happier than wonwoo had heard in weeks, and talking about mingyu that spoke horse lengths.

 

wonwoo had no idea of what speed was, never having heard of it before. he generally didn’t know jack shit about drugs, only about the more common ones such as weed, cocaine and ecstasy, but he nodded anyways. he looked back down on the plate, now noticing that the powder wasn’t pure white but mildly tinted with yellow, a completely useless detail that crushed his belief that drugs were supposed to be pure white.

 

“do you want some?”

 

the voice came from the other sofa, and wonwoo turned his head to look at the guy who’d spoken. he thought his name was seungcheol, or something along those lines, one of mingyu’s close friends.

 

“i’m- i’m not sure. i don’t even know what it is, and it’s a  _ drug _ ” he uttered the last word with a shudder.

 

“eh, it’s  _ fine _ , it’s nothing bad! it’s just fun, makes everything more fun and gives you more energy! it’s great when you study too, makes you focus hard like a bitch.”

 

wonwoo considered it. the others in the room were clearly all on it, and they seemed fine, if not a little twitchy and seemingly awake.

 

no one had ever told wonwoo about drugs, the do’s and don’ts, about their effects and withdrawals. it wasn’t something that was spoken about in schools or in his family home. maybe if someone had told him not to do drugs, wonwoo wouldn’t have agreed. maybe if someone had educated him about how dirty drugs were, wonwoo wouldn’t have let mingyu help him roll up that 50 000 won bill. maybe if someone had told him he was worth so much more than letting himself fall into a drug addiction, wonwoo wouldn’t have snorted that line.

 

but he did, and after getting over the burn in his nostril and after he’d grown used to the numbing, bitter taste of the powder dripping into his throat, wonwoo let himself go into the high.

 

and he loved it. he loved every single bit of the rush it gave him, the energy that powered through him, how it made him start blabbering like a madman with the others in the room.

 

it was barely an hour before he took his second line, just after mingyu had taken one of his own. seungcheol and jeonghan, which wonwoo had found out the last participant was named, laughed at the two of them as they made out with each other right after snorting their lines, bitter taste lingering on both their tongues as they explored each other’s mouths with a frenzy like never before.

 

“well well well, jeonghan, seems like we got two new friends to do drugs with in the future.” said seungcheol when they finally broke apart, and jeonghan only laughed as both mingyu and wonwoo grinned back at the pair.

 

little did wonwoo know then, that that was the beginning of the end.

 

-

 

seungcheol and jeonghan became constants in wonwoo’s life after that. for a while they met up every weekend at mingyu’s place, wonwoo and mingyu providing them all alcohol and seungcheol never failing to bring a baggy of speed to last them the night. they rarely slept those nights, instead staying up until the late morning hours as the drug flowed in their veins and kept them awake and alert. wonwoo also heeded seungcheol’s advice about studying on speed, sometimes spending majority of their nights together with his nose deep into different books or his computer as he ticked off frightening amounts of homework and readings during just a couple of hours time.

 

mingyu told wonwoo the day after his party that it had been the first time he did speed too, and to wonwoo’s shock he also admitted to having smoked weed before. wonwoo had never deemed mingyu the kind to dabble with drugs, but it wasn’t like wonwoo seemed like someone who spent most of his friday nights with snorting line after line while drinking enough to rival an alcoholic.

 

he didn’t tell any of his other friends about this new habit. it wasn’t hard to guess they’d kill him for it and only worry about him in a way he didn’t need. because they didn’t  _ get it _ \- you couldn’t understand it until you’d try it, and he hardly imagined any of them would go anywhere near the drug, much less actually take it. they’d never know the rush, the speed, the power nor the peace it gave you, and hence he couldn’t tell them.

 

it wasn’t hard to keep it a secret. wonwoo had always been good at secrets, and it wasn’t like his entire life was spiralling out of control or anything; he was still on top of his studies, he still went to all his classes, he still went on his and soonyoung’s study dates, he still ate and slept like any other. it was just something extra for the weekend, something to make him feel alive, something that lightened up his weeks.

 

seungcheol and jeonghan were great fun, too. the two elders, a couple since years back, didn’t take long to become as close to wonwoo as soonyoung was, not with how much they talked to each other during their drug runs. they’d exchanged snapchats after mingyu’s party, and while he didn’t speak to them as much as he did with others they still exchanged a few pictures and words each day. wonwoo could really understand why mingyu were best friends with them.

 

seungcheol and jeonghan was, just like mingyu, filthy rich by family, but still on a whole other level than mingyu who was still free to do whatever he wanted with his life. both elders were business majors, not by choice but by pressure from their families, and while jeonghan was the second son and sure to take over one of his family’s side branches seungcheol was the oldest son and heir to his parents large corporation. they never stopped complaining about their majors but even then they clearly enjoyed the prospects of always being sure of having more than enough money to get by in life. wonwoo sometimes felt left out in the group - he was a scholarship student after all, who lived on government money to survive and studied english literature, a major that could easily come back to bite him in the future. but even then they weren’t all too different after all, and wonwoo enjoyed living as if he had money as he spent more and more time with the boys who didn’t bat an eye before paying for everyone else at the same time he’d nearly moved into mingyu’s apartment, only going back to his own one-roomer once or twice a week.

 

a month had gone by quickly, and it was in the middle of january when seungcheol turned up with something more than just speed. he’d managed to get ahold of cocaine through his usual dealer, and he didn’t even need to ask if they wanted to try it out before he’d fixed up four long lines for them all. 

 

and so they began to mix their speed with cocaine. in hindsight it probably wasn’t the best idea, but the high was so heavenly that common sense got thrown completely out of the window. they didn’t care too much about what it was anymore, as long as it got them high.

 

-

 

it was on the first of february that wonwoo first did speed on a weekday. seungcheol had bought him and mingyu an extra baggy after wonwoo had asked, and as he woke up on a monday morning with a heavy head and nausea caused by the withdrawals from all the drugs they’d done during the weekend, he barely thought twice before opening up the baggy, pouring up enough for two lines and snorting one of them with used movements, all onto the kitchen bar in mingyu’s kitchen. mingyu had already left for his classes earlier in the morning, and wonwoo made a conscious decision not to tell his boyfriend about the lines he’d took before putting the baggy back in the newly renamed  _ existential crisis _ room that now went under  _ speed central _ after jeonghan had cracked a joke regarding it the week before.

 

wonwoo left the line on the table next to the slightly rolled up 10 000 won bill to take a shower and get dressed, the rush kicking in and instantly waking his tired body up while he was getting ready. he skipped around in the apartment freely while humming to himself happily, and it was only when he was fully ready for his first class that he got back to the line in the kitchen, snorting it with a smile on his lips before wiping the table and putting the bill back in his wallet.

 

he left mingyu’s apartment with a smile still on his lips and a red hue in his eyes.

 

-

 

it became a habit for wonwoo to take a line before school on the mornings where mingyu started his classes before he did, always showing up to his classes with renewed energy and happiness. soonyoung took notice, of course he did, but he blamed it on wonwoo being in love. oh, he truly had no idea.

 

-

 

seungcheol and jeonghan dragged mingyu and wonwoo out clubbing the second week of february, breaking their habit of staying inside on friday nights. wonwoo had never been clubbing before but he found himself instantly attracted to it all - it was so much easier to be left alone and out of grasp from prying people here than it was at parties, or well, at least it was when you had a table in the vip area.

 

they snorted lines of cocaine in the toilet stalls, taking turns to hold onto the baggy. there wasn’t any speed tonight as seungcheol had decided that while speed was for chilling out, cocaine was the drug to go with while clubbing, and wonwoo had to give it to him; he wasn’t wrong.

 

wonwoo spent the entire night by their table, chugging down drink after drink and at one point taking five shots of vodka at once together with the rest of the gang, all courtesy of jeonghan who paid for the entire night.

 

the cocaine dampened the effects of the alcohol enough for him to drink to his heart’s content, and while it felt dirty to be snorting lines off his phone in dirty and cramped bathroom stalls it felt just right when he could hear the loud music booming outside the toilets mixed with the sounds of someone throwing up into the toilet bowl in the stall next to his own. cocaine was truly made for nights like these.

 

the others went between the table and the dancefloor the entire night, leaving wonwoo mostly alone and with the cocaine in his front pocket as they embraced the cocaine rush and danced around each other on the floor, not risking taking the cocaine out with them in fear of dropping it. wonwoo sure didn’t complain; he snorted his lines freely, probably getting through more than a gram on his own during the night, but it wasn’t like the others cared about how much he took - all of them were just as fucked as he was, if not more.

 

they didn’t leave the club until the sun had already long since risen, all of them pushing into one of the empty cabs standing on the curb outside the club to go back to mingyu’s place. they planned to go to bed as soon as they got back to the apartment with seungcheol and jeonghan staying in the guest room, but sometimes things doesn’t go as planned and they ended up continuing the party with the rest of the cocaine, a couple lines of speed and the last alcohol left in the fridge.

 

they didn’t stop until late saturday evening when they ran out of cocaine, finally bringing them all to go to bed at last.

 

wonwoo had always prided himself in being a good observer, but he had yet to notice that his ability was lacking. because if he’d truly looked around him he’d seen the truth of what was going on. he would have noticed how their runny noses were edged by white powder clinging to their sensitive skin and how mingyu had dried blood under his right nostril after an earlier nosebleed. he would have noticed how all their faces had sunken in during the day that had passed as their mouths had dried up and their body was taking a toll after going without food for more than a day. he would have noticed how their bodies were twitching with every movement and how their eyes had more red than white in them, bloodshot, tired and shining in the light.

 

but he didn’t. he didn’t see what the drugs were doing to them all. maybe he was too high. maybe he was too tired. or maybe he just didn’t want to see the truth.

 

-

 

their in-nights soon changed into club nights, or sometimes simple party nights. they’d began mixing their speed with the cocaine in the bag by now, mixing the best of both worlds, and it became a habit of wonwoo’s to slink away into the bathroom stalls every half hour or so on nights out, refilling his nostrils with fine powder before going back to the vip area to drink some more.

 

mingyu also threw another couple of parties at his place, and it became a tradition for him and mingyu to take a line each before opening up the doors and getting the party started. they didn’t use the  _ speed central  _ room for taking drugs during those parties though, because the chance of getting caught was way too big and neither of them wanted word to spread about them having anything at all to do with drugs.

 

at the same time, soonyoung and wonwoo drifted apart. he met the other less and less nowadays, always opting to hang out with mingyu instead, and whenever soonyoung tried to drag wonwoo out during the weekends he always had a new excuse ready to use. he just didn’t have time anymore, not when he hung out with mingyu, seungcheol and jeonghan so much, and although wonwoo was great at keeping secrets it was getting harder for each passing day to keep his drug use to himself. he felt bad for going behind soonyoung’s back during all this time, but what other choice did he have? the other man would never understand, after all.

 

-

 

when mingyu suggested they’d take a line each on a wednesday night, wonwoo didn’t even hesitate. he’d already been breaking the “weekends only” rule for ages anyways with his lines in the mornings, so what harm would it do to do it with mingyu now?

 

the day after, wonwoo was the one to suggest they’d do a line each, even though the  _ one line  _ had turned into a gram the day before. he’d barely finished the sentence before mingyu nodded at him, running into the  _ speed central  _ room to get the bag of speed. they spent up that entire night, sitting together in the living room as they studied between lines and kisses.

 

-

 

it was april when wonwoo and mingyu started doing speed on a close-to-daily basis. it was also march when soonyoung finally found out about wonwoo’s drug habits.

 

they'd been studying at soonyoung’s place when wonwoo had pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and onto the table so that he'd sit more comfortably, and the baggy of white had slid out of his wallet pockets and out onto the kitchen table. soonyoung saw it before he did, and it was with wonder in his eyes that he picked the bag up between two fingers and held it up next to his face.

 

“is this yours?”

 

wonwoo nodded.

 

“wonwoo, what the fuck?” soonyoung hadn't had the time to go into shock yet, but his eyes were bulging out of their sockets when he looked over at him. “what the fuck is it?”

 

“it's spee- amphetamine.” before soonyoung could reply, he continued. “it helps me and mingyu study.”

 

“what the  _ fuck”  _ soonyoung uttered once again. “you take  _ drugs  _ to help you study?”

 

wonwoo nodded, holding soonyoung’s gaze.

 

“what the- seriously?” wonwoo nodded again. “you're not just fucking with me?” wonwoo shook his head.

 

it was probably time to come clean after all; it had been months since he first started using drugs by now, and he’d been plagued by keeping it a secret from soonyoung for so long. the boy had done nothing but good to him during the years they'd been friends and he didn't deserve being lied to, but it had just been so hard to actually  _ tell  _ him about it. wonwoo was almost happy he'd found out on his own.

 

“ _ why? _ ”

 

that was a good question. wonwoo didn't actually know why he was doing drugs like this nor why he was so stuck in the routine of doing them. he just did it because, well mingyu did them, and so did seungcheol and jeonghan. plus, he liked them. he didn't know what to tell soonyoung.

 

“why not?”

 

soonyoung spluttered.

 

“because they're fucking bad for you? because they're fucking drugs?”

 

wonwoo shrugged.

 

“mingyu does them too, it's not too bad.”

 

“so you're doing them because mingyu does them?”

 

it wasn't what wonwoo had meant to express, but he nodded anyways. he'd never seen soonyoung look so distressed before, the baggy still hanging between his fingers as he’d lowered his hand down to rest on the table. he could see the thoughts crossing soonyoung’s mind through his glossy eyes, and it almost seemed like the man was about to cry.

 

“but wonwoo, you're so much better than drugs. and if mingyu does drugs, you're so much better than him, too. i can’t believe he got you into shit like- shit like  _ that.  _ he’s a fucking asshole, that’s what he is, and you deserve so much better.” the disgust was clearly visible in soonyoung’s tone as he spoke.

 

that was one thing wonwoo wouldn't take. he could accept criticism against himself, no biggie, but mingyu? that’s where he crossed the line. he wouldn’t accept anyone giving such a lovely, beautiful, entrancing, big-hearted boy shit, never in his fucking life. talking shit about mingyu was equivalent to shittalking a fucking  _ puppy _ . and so wonwoo’s eyes narrowed as he stared right back into soonyoung’s worried eyes, the anger he felt seemingly radiating around his body as he collected the words.

 

“don’t you fucking  _ dare _ insult mingyu. that boy has done me nothing but good all this  _ fucking  _ time, and he’s been there for me in ways you never were.” soonyoung didn’t seem phased by his words, and so wonwoo continued. “mingyu is everything i’ve ever wanted in life and more, he makes me so  _ fucking  _ happy like nobody else and treats me like a prince. i can’t fucking believe you’d insult him like that.”

 

“you’re too fucking smitten to notice, but he’s bad news, wonwoo.” soonyoung’s voice was calm as he spoke, and it only made wonwoo angrier. “drugs are fucking shit, and if you do drugs, you’re shit too. you know better than this, but mingyu took advantage of your love to him and turned it around on you. you fucking deserve better.”

 

“mingyu didn’t make me do anything! it was my own fucking choice, i just do them  _ with  _ mingyu.”

 

“would you do drugs if you weren’t with mingyu?”

 

that made wonwoo take a double take. he spent a couple of seconds thinking it over before replying honestly.

 

“probably not.”

 

“then he’s a bad influence. and i’m sorry to say this, but i won’t accept you doing drugs. leave mingyu.”

 

“i’m  _ not  _ fucking leaving mingyu. never, ever.” wonwoo spat out the words with venom.

 

“then it comes to fucking  _ this.”  _ soonyoung had finally gotten angry, his voice rising as he straightened up in the chair and looked wonwoo in the eyes. “it’s either me or mingyu. me or the drugs. your call.”

 

wonwoo didn’t waste a second to stand up, gathering his schoolwork on the table into his backpack before giving soonyoung one last poisonous glance and turning around, stomping out of the kitchen. within a minute he’d shrugged on his jacket, slipped into his shoes, and slammed the front door behind him.

 

it didn’t dawn on him until later that night that he’d lost his best friend. he didn’t hesitate before forcing himself to forget about it, staying up all night snorting lines and drinking beer with mingyu until he’d completely forgotten it all.

 

-

 

seungcheol and jeonghan figured out that mingyu and wonwoo were using regularly in the end, when seungcheol finally asked why they always had him bring so much extra powder with him whenever they met for them to put away at home. they ended up meeting only more often after that, and it wasn’t long until they found themselves out clubbing on a tuesday night. wonwoo had stumbled into his first class the morning after still drunk and high, but miraculously no one had noticed. no one really paid attention to him anymore anyhow, not now when soonyoung wasn’t there.

 

they partied more often and stayed awake longer, sometimes partying non-stop for entire weekends without a blink of sleep. they met tons of new people, even wonwoo did, and the next couple of parties mingyu held whenever he felt like it was always filled to the brim with new people every time.

 

wonwoo still made sure to study enough to be on top of his class, but there were more panicked nights before test days where he did nothing but read, write and snort speed like a madman, when he hadn’t studied enough before and had to resort to cramming everything in the last minute. it was the same for mingyu, seungcheol and jeonghan, but they all somehow made it out alive and well. being clever sure had its advantages.

 

-

 

it was june when wonwoo first caught wonwoo with his dick inside someone else, coming back home from work to see mingyu and a female he recognised as eunji, one of mingyu’s classmates, going at it like rabbits in his and mingyu’s bed. it didn’t take more than two hours of chugging bottles of soju and snorting lines in breakneck speed along to mingyu’s apologies and cries before he forgave him for the mistake. he’d explained it so well for wonwoo, that he’d been feeling so  _ alone  _ and  _ desperate  _ while wonwoo was at work and they hadn’t had sex for nearly  _ two weeks  _ because wonwoo was working all the time and he was with his friend that it had just  _ happened _ , a mistake based on large amounts of alcohol mixed with a longing for love.

 

he wasn’t really over it, of course he wasn’t, but how could he not have forgiven mingyu when the younger’s eyes were filled of so much love whenever wonwoo met them, when his cheeks were a scarlet red that shined in the fluorescent lights because of all the tears he’d shed, when his entire body was bent inwards in shame and regret?

 

wonwoo knew that if this would have happened a couple of months ago wonwoo would have left the apartment without looking back as soon as he’d caught them in bed, rushing to soonyoung’s apartment as quickly as humanly possible as his sight would be obstructed by rising tears. he’d probably have fallen apart as soon as soonyoung opened the front door to let him in, letting his tears stream down his cheeks and down onto the carpet while forcing out the words to spell out mingyu’s betrayal, stuttering and sniffling. soonyoung would probably get so caught up in his rage that wonwoo would have to stop him from storming out of his home to beat mingyu up. wonwoo imagined it all in great detail, how soonyoung would cry just like wonwoo for his sake and how he’d end up making them instant ramen on the stove before he tried to talk wonwoo out of ever forgiving mingyu for what he did. he let a smile bloom on his face before he was forced back to reality when mingyu let out another sniffle. 

 

things weren’t like they were a couple of months ago anymore. wonwoo and soonyoung hadn’t spoken for nearly three months, not after their big fight over the drugs and mingyu, not after soonyoung had made him choose between their friendship and mingyu and wonwoo had stormed out of his best friend’s apartment with an aching heart and broken soul. he couldn’t ask soonyoung for help anymore, he couldn’t ask him for  _ anything _ , and at this point he for the first time wondered if he’d really made the right choice back then. he loved mingyu, he really did, but he missed soonyoung with his entire being and it didn’t get easier as the days passed by, if anything it only got harder to forget about him. and now when the one person wonwoo was meant to trust, to love and cherish, to stand by through thick and thin and never let go had gone behind his back and betrayed him so badly, when he’d gone and  _ cheated  _ after all the months they’d been together and utterly ruined the strong faith wonwoo had had in him, now wonwoo missed his best friend more than ever before.

 

wonwoo had finished his third bottle of grumly soju and taken his sixth line of yellowish speed when he finally got the sounds of eunji’s moans intermingled with mingyu’s groans out of his head, the image of eunji’s face as she orgasmed after mingyu had told her to do it the very same moment wonwoo had peeked in through the open bedroom door firmly pushed back deep into his mind so that he wouldn’t be seeing it on replay for any longer. he’d just opened up his fourth bottle before finally turning his head towards mingyu, opening his mouth and letting out his words of forgiveness fall out. each word seemed to make crack after crack appear in wonwoo’s heart, but he let them because the smile it brought upon mingyu’s face seemed like they were worth it all. 

 

wonwoo may be a fool in love for mingyu, but he wasn’t as retarded and blind as he’d let by. he had no doubts that mingyu had been completely aware of his actions when he decided to cheat on wonwoo, because even if his lover said it was a drunken mistake there were no empty bottles of alcohol in the apartment, be it the living room, bedroom or even in  _ speed central  _ beside the ones wonwoo had drunk the last hours (he’d checked), and mingyu only ever went outside in jeans, especially if he went drinking; but the pair of pants that had been dropped onto the carpet next to the bed were grey sweatpants, ones mingyu only ever wore at home.

 

sometimes, it really hurt to be observant. wonwoo had always had a knack for seeing things for what they were, always solving mysteries at breakneck speed with a talent of putting all the pieces together in his mind, and it had come back to bite him countless times. because it was simply easier to live with the lies in the world than know the ugly truths.

 

but for now he left it as it was. he let mingyu believe he’d forgiven him at the same time as a war was raging in his mind as  _ leave him and never come back  _ fought against  _ it was only a one-time mistake, forgive him  _ with a passion that left him with a mellow pain in his head and even more tiny cracks on his poor heart. 

 

besides, wonwoo needed mingyu in his life. he didn’t have anything else but mingyu left now, not when soonyoung had disappeared together with jihoon and seokmin, not when he hadn’t spoken to his parents for the last three years and not with his little brother for the last few months, not when seungcheol and jeonghan were bound to leave his life just as soon as mingyu would, because they were mingyu’s friends essentially, not wonwoo’s.

 

without mingyu, wonwoo would be completely alone in the world. he’d be back to ground zero, back to how he was during his school years but even more lonely with no one to come back home to. alcohol and speed would be his only friends left, but they’d make poor excuses for warm bodies and spoken words. 

 

he couldn’t go back to that. not again.

 

and so he forgave mingyu, telling his lover that it was only human to make mistakes sometimes, that he still loved him and that he wouldn’t leave him, signing his words with a peck on the lips and another gulp of soju that burned his throat. but wonwoo could barely feel the burn of the liquor because compared to the pain in his heart, it was nothing at all.

 

there was but one thing that wouldn’t leave wonwoo’s mind alone, no matter how hard he tried to forget the words. he could forget about the noises they’d made together, he could forget the image of them together, he could wash the sheets to rid them of their taint, but he couldn’t seem to forget her first words when they noticed wonwoo standing in the doorway, when mingyu had pulled out of her at lighting speed and swore as he tripped over the bed as he reached for his pants and she simply laid there, looking between mingyu and wonwoo with a blissful smile playing on her lips. they haunted him like a villaneous poltergeist that just wouldn’t let go.

 

_ “mingyu, you never told me he had a boyfriend.” _

  
  
  


-

 

they slept on new bedsheets, but wonwoo could still feel the sweat of eunji’s body against his bare chest and he could smell the faint aroma of her perfume on his pillow as he fell asleep in mingyu’s arms. he dreamt about finding mingyu in bed with someone else again, but this time it wasn’t just anyone but it was  _ soonyoung,  _ making wonwoo wake up with a jolt as he hyperventilated, anxiety overtaking his mind as he tried to calm down, tried to convince himself that it wasn’t real and only a dream, only a dream, only a dream, only a dream. wonwoo didn’t sleep any more that night, instead entertaining himself with a bag of speed and two bottles of soju. 

 

thank god he didn’t have work in the morning.

 

-

 

it was august when wonwoo caught mingyu cheating on him for the second time, with a man they’d met while out clubbing just a couple of weeks prior. he yelled at mingyu this time around, his voice breaking in the middle of a jargong about trust and love and respect, leaving wonwoo coughing and gasping for air before he finally broke down into tears. 

 

but of course he took mingyu back again. he loved him too much to let go.

 

when he caught mingyu making out with someone at a party on the first friday of the autumn semester, just in the beginning of his fourth and final year at seoul national university, wonwoo just walked away and pretended like nothing.

 

-

 

mingyu dumped wonwoo on new years eve, barely breaking from his kiss with a man wonwoo couldn’t recognise as he shrugged off the hand wonwoo had placed on his shoulder before meeting his eyes in a fleeting gaze.

 

“we’re over. can’t you see i’m busy?”

 

that was it. no explanation, no goodbye, no sugarcoating it. wonwoo’s whole world was torn apart so easily, bits and pieces of himself thrown away in the wind and floating off over the city streets, his heart finally falling apart completely. he didn’t say a word back to mingyu before walking off, no pleading for them not to end or demands for him to explain himself, nothing. he just turned the other way and walked off the large balcony, pushing himself through the masses of people that were celebrating their new years in the club just like them, not turning his head to look back at mingyu for a last time before he finally reached their vip table. seungcheol took no more than one look at wonwoo’s face before fishing his wallet up from his back pocket and handing it over to wonwoo, giving him a small smile wonwoo barely saw out of the corner of his eye as he made his way to the mensroom.

 

he broke apart as soon as he entered the bathroom stall, plopping down on the toilet seat with a gasp for air as his sobs wrecked in the otherwise silent bathroom. it was with shaking fingers that he pulled up the cocaine from seungcheol’s wallet, opening it up and dabbing a hefty amount onto his phone screen. a tear fell onto the line when he’d finished it and was just lifting his phone up to snort it, taking a little powder with it as it ran down the screen and down to wonwoo’s lap. he couldn’t have cared less and snorted the line without fixing it up again, the burn in his nostril familiar as the cocaine entered his system, adding onto the rest he’d already snorted that night and hitting him mid-sob. 

 

he cried until he couldn’t bring himself to shed another tear, not caring about how his sobs were loud enough to hear out of the bathroom stall and only replying a short  _ “don’t worry, it’s okay”  _ to the kind man who knocked on his stall door and asked if he was doing well. 

 

when he finally emerged from the stall his eyes were rimmed red by the tears, but wonwoo couldn’t care less as he wiped his cheeks with his sleeve and faced himself in the mirror.

 

he had been expecting it for some time now, but he’d never realised just how much it would  _ hurt _ . ever since mingyu had first cheated on him he’d been fearing that their relationship was coming to an end, and when mingyu had kept doing it over and over it had ended with wonwoo coming to terms with an inevitable end. he knew he should have just ended it himself, long long ago, but he’d never been able to bring himself to it - he loved mingyu so much that it was breaking his heart to even consider it. instead he’d just let time take its toll, let mingyu cheat on him over and over while forgiving it over and over again, out of something as little and as large as  _ love _ . 

 

did mingyu even love wonwoo, did mingyu ever love wonwoo, or had he just been a toy, something for mingyu to claim as his own while only claiming the benefits it gave him? had wonwoo been nothing but a piece of fun and games, a bed warmer or comforter for the younger? had he maybe been cheating on wonwoo from the start, hooking up with girls and boys behind his blissfully unknown boyfriends back before coming back home and kissing wonwoo hello before making dinner? had it just been a game of play pretend for him, or had it been real?

 

wonwoo didn’t know. he couldn’t tell. his trust for mingyu had been slowly dying since he’d first cheated on him that fateful day in june, and whenever he thought he’d rebuilt it he only found him in someone else’s arms yet again. he’d caught mingyu cheating five times, but how many times had the younger really done it? there had to be more than wonwoo knew, there was bound to be.

 

it was beyond him how mingyu had the audacity to cheat on him over and over again while still acting so in love around wonwoo. they hadn’t even had a single fight during the year they’d dated apart from the first two times wonwoo caught him cheating, nothing but sunshine and happiness and love. mingyu had been a perfect boyfriend, always kissing him goodbye in the mornings after cooking breakfast, always supporting wonwoo with his studies, always taking him out on the loveliest dates, always treating wonwoo like a prince. his prince.

 

the more wonwoo thought about it, the more convinced he became that mingyu had just been faking it the whole time. somehow it felt better than thinking he’d just fallen out of love.

 

walking out of the bathroom and back to the vip area, both seungcheol and jeonghan were sitting in their booth. he sat down next to jeonghan and handed over seungcheol’s wallet before letting his eyes focus on the table, reaching forward to grab ahold of one of the bottles of  _ grey goose  _ vodka before pouring it straight into his mouth. he felt jeonghan lean in to him while he downed sip after sip of the hard liquor, his hair brushing against wonwoo’s shoulder as he leaned into his ear and shouted his words so that they’d overpower the music.

 

“i’ve told the guards not to let mingyu back in here, so you won’t have to see him.”

 

wonwoo could have kissed him.

 

that night he drank more than he ever had, and in the end he could barely remember his own name, much less recognise the pain in his broken heart. the alcohol filled up his every crevices and organs, flowing in his veins together with the cocaine as he spoke with seungcheol and jeonghan with shouts over the music. he didn’t go back home until the club closed, and to his happiness his friends had stayed out with him the entire night. seungcheol gave him the remains of the cocaine baggy before they parted ways outside the club, leaving wonwoo to stumble back home in the early morning light.

 

-

 

“mom? it’s me- it’s wonwoo. can i talk to you for, um, a bit?”

 

-

 

wonwoo laid back down on his bed after he’d ended the call.

 

wonwoo’s mother sounded just like she’d done when he left, but the pure joy in her voice was hard to miss. they’d spoken for nearly an hour, with wonwoo telling her about his time at university and she telling him about how she and his dad had been doing as of late. it hadn’t taken her long to notice that something was wrong, and he hadn’t been able to help it when he burst into tears and told her not only about his past relationship with mingyu, but also about his fall-out with his best friend.

 

she’d been absolutely livid when wonwoo finished telling her about his and mingyu’s relationship, starting with all the good times they’d had but ending with stories of his repeated cheating and how he’d, in the end, had broken up with wonwoo. he’d never heard her curse before in his life and he was so shocked that he let out a short laugh when she cussed mingyu out as if he was the devil. he’d smiled for the rest of the call, even when telling her about how much he’d fucked up with everyone around him and how he’d ended up with absolutely nothing.

 

at least she wasn’t mad about wonwoo being gay. he’d never discussed his sexuality with his parents, nor could he recall them ever talking about the subject at home, but he had just kind of assumed they’d be at least okay with it; it wasn’t like they’d been a part of his life he could lose anyhow, not when all they had between them the last three and a half years was radio silence.

 

_ “you just have to apologise to him, wonwoo. if he’s such a good person as you’ve made him out to be, he’ll forgive you.” _

 

he recalled his mother’s words with a soft smile, shaking his head as he reached out and picked up his phone again, checking the time before putting it back down on his nightstand. 5:56 p.m. perfect.

 

he rose up from his bed carefully, the hangover from last night’s drinking mixed with the first blossoming effects from cocaine withdrawals leaving him with a pounding headache that only got worse whenever he had to move his head and a tiredness in his body that he was all too used with at this point.

 

it was three days after new years eve, and while wonwoo had spent nearly an hour earlier in the morning with throwing up all the poison his body had garnered into his toilet bowl he was still set on making the best out of it. new year, new beginnings, new wonwoo. it had taken him three days of non-stop drug abuse and drinking before he finally decided it was time for a change, and now when he was all out of drugs, the empty bags of cocaine and speed he’d had laying in the bin, it was about time to get ahold of himself. he hadn’t left home since coming back home from the club in the early morning on the first, instead dedicating himself to drinking himself into an early death and gone days without sleep before finally crashing, and the empty alcohol bottles scattered around his small apartment made show of it ever so clearly.

 

at least he’d taken a shower earlier in the day, so that he didn’t stink of bad memories and regret.

 

he got dressed as quick as his head allowed him to before crossing into the kitchen, nearly grabbing onto the bottle of soju by habit before reaching to take out one of his water bottles instead. it didn’t take him long to down the bottle and putting it in the bin before retreating out into the hallway, shrugging on his coat and slipping into his trainers before unlocking the front door. he hesitated on the step out before sighing, a smile blooming on his lips ever so slightly before he stepped out and closed the door behind him without looking back.

 

it was time to mend what he had broken.

 

-

 

soonyoung didn’t even give wonwoo a chance to speak before he found himself held in a crushing embrace. it took him a few seconds to register it in his brain, but as soon as it did he didn’t hesitate to bring his arms up so that they were held around soonyoung’s back, dipping his head down on the man’s shoulder. he could smell soonyoung’s body wash on his neck as he breathed in, and a smile was on his lips before he even knew it. he had missed this.

 

it took them nearly a minute before they untangled themselves from each other, and wonwoo was led into soonyoung’s apartment without words, slipping out of his shoes and hanging his coat up before following soonyoung into the living room where the man had already sat down on his sofa.

 

the words came tumbling out of wonwoo’s mouth before he’d even sat down, flooding out of his mind as he told soonyoung about how right he’d been, how wonwoo had been wrong all this time, how wonwoo should have listened and how wonwoo did wrong. he begged for forgiveness all while opening his heart up open wide for soonyoung to see, cursing himself over and over for not asking for it before now.

 

they were both crying when wonwoo finally finished, after nearly five minutes of non-stop rambling, and soonyoung once again reached over to hug wonwoo as their tears stained the other’s shirts. 

 

“you fuck, i forgave you long ago.”

 

-

 

wonwoo told soonyoung about everything that had happened since they had their fight after they’d collected themselves, and when wonwoo first told him about the first time he walked in on mingyu cheating on him he was quick to anger, vowing to kill him the next time he saw him. it didn’t get better when wonwoo told him about the other times he’d found him cheating, and the way mingyu had broken up with him became the cherry on top. he had to physically hold soonyoung back from storming out of his apartment to go beat mingyu up, over and over telling him that it wasn’t worth it, wasn’t worth it at all.

 

it was already 7 p.m. and good time to leave when wonwoo finished filling soonyoung up, ending it with mentioning his phone call to his mother and his promise to go back to his family home during the next break. he would have stayed longer if he didn’t have one more thing left to do before the day ended, and he excused himself from soonyoung with a smile on his lips to match the other. he’d barely gotten out of the apartment building before soonyoung texted him about meeting tomorrow again.

 

-

 

wonwoo took a last, deep breath before turning the key and unlocking the door, opening it up quickly before he had time to change his mind about it. he was greeted with darkness, only silhouettes of the furniture visible in the light coming in from outside.

 

he slid in through the door opening, closing the door behind him before heaving out a heavy sigh. it didn’t seem like mingyu was home.

 

sliding his shoes off, he foregone to take his coat off before entering the apartment, grabbing onto the large plastic bag he was holding in his left hand until his fingers whitened from pressure and he finally released his grip.

 

it didn’t take him more than half an hour to locate and pack down all of his belongings into the bag, and while he considering spitting on the sofa just to leave a mark he decided against it, slipping into his shoes again before exiting the apartment.

 

he’d left the key to the front door on the kitchen table, and he didn’t plan on ever coming back.

 

-

 

it would be tough to recover, after so many months of substance abuse, tainted love and betrayals, but wonwoo was sure he could do it. the withdrawals would be absolute hell for him the next couple of days, both from the alcohol and the drugs, but he’d stocked up on instant food and water bottles so that he’d be able to live through it without, hopefully, too much problems.

 

and if there were problems, he had people there for him. he had soonyoung and his mother, both only a call away. he wasn’t going to be alone in his suffering.

 

wonwoo had one hell of a road ahead of him; he had to get over his heartbreak and regain his trust for people, he had to get over an addiction he’d been in for the last year, and he had to mend his friendships with the people he’d lost during that time. but he was confident he could do it.

 

everything would be okay in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> ur weelcome i hope yall enjoyed dis piece of shit fic pls leave kudos/comments/whatevs if u wanna!!!
> 
> every1 always links deir twitters nd/or tumblrs here BUUUT im a mainstream bitch who aint b usin dose 2 but if ya'd like ya can add me on fb (fb.com/secludere) or follow me on ig (@secludere)!!!!! fuck privacy am i fuckin rite i have no shame anyWAYS
> 
> til next time!!!


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